Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
