Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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