So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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