watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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