my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
