Soap is not a condiment
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
