On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
