I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
