Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
