totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
