I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Randomize
