So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
