God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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