And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You may now shotgun with the bride
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
