I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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