The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
