Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
