If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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