Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
