i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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