We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
