you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
