mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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