Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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