the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
