they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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