Sry I called you an 8
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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