Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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