just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
