it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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