I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
