I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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