I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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