I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
