There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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