i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
