i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
