Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
