Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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