Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
do herpes really smell.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Randomize
