I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
