Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
