Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
