4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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