Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
