I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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