Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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