I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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