i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
