I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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